decision made.

I had my first day of work today. I'm still so pooped this is going to be short -- as Adam said, my biorhythms aren't aligned with the 9-to-5 grind yet. Indeed.

After feeling all jacked up on nerves last night, I didn't sleep very well, but adrenaline got me through the day. I was oriented for a couple hours, and then met with my boss to go over my duties. To say I'm feeling overwhelmed is an understatement. I'm really going to be stretching my abilities in many domains all at once. This is going to be interesting. Very interesting. God, I hope I can do this.

I got an email from the director at Job A -- the one that was hoping to lure me back. She wrote me this very nice, encouraging email that basically said she felt bad about making me feel torn about what to do, and that she thinks I should really throw myself into Job B and learn lots, kicks ass and take names, and all that. She's decided to restructure the division of duties at her library and outsource a bit of the work, so that she won't actually be hiring a new staff member at this point. This is actually EXCELLENT news because a) I can now feel completely committed to job B without feeling torn and b) this means that when/if the full time position opens up next year due to a librarian retiring, she won't have to promote from within (since it's civil service) and can hire from outside -- i.e. me, if I want it.

OK, time for some well earned vegging in front of Bones with a nice glass of chardonnay.

Peace out y'all.

is the universe trying to tell me something?

OK, I'm freaking out over here.

Remember Job A and that glowing rejection letter? Well, I had lunch with that woman today (who I absolutely adore), and discovered that the chick who got the job quit this morning! Now she's offering me the job with a promise of a big promotion in 7 months, and an even bigger one down the line (as in managing my own library). But she knows that I've lined up this other great gig. So she suggested that I try the other job on for a week, and then let her know if I want to abandon ship and come work for her.

I don't know what to do!

Each situation has certain things going for it. Job A feels more like me (i.e. it's not corporate), there is a clear path for advancement, and I think my boss would be a true mentor. Job B is more financially lucrative (but only a bit more once the Job A promotion went into effect), great benefits immediately, and it will stretch me in a new direction professionally. Job A is working with the public which is rewarding, but can also be exhausting. Job B is working in a private company, shielded from the world to a large degree, but also less chance of frontline burnout (although maybe I'd burn out on the corporate lifestyle...).

Considering the state of the economy and the difficulty of getting a job these days, I know that I am very, very lucky. I'm so grateful for this "problem" but I'll be tossing and turning tonight.

it takes a village to feed me.

This afternoon as I lay on my bed, sweat-soaked and green-toed from mowing my lawn, I decided that for dinner I would make chili. And as I rummaged through my cabinets I realized that this meal would be the product of many sources...

Black Beans: I was gifted with a huge can of black beans at a White Elephant party I attended in Brookline, MA a few months ago.

Canned Tomato Paste and Whole Tomatoes: After one of his overly zealous Sam's Club trips, my dad thrust these at me.

Chili Powder: I don't remember if it was my birthday or if he was just feeling especially zesty and generous that day, but Adam gave me a big box of shmancy Penzey's spices last year.

Jalapenos: My botched blood donation yesterday may have resulted in a giant hickey on my inner arm, but I also got a $15 Walmart giftcard out of the deal... and I treated myself to some peppers today.

Fresh Tomatoes: Whatever my little groundhog buddy left me in the garden... he's seriously too cute to get mad at.

Onion, Greek Yogurt, and Blue Corn Chips: Some snazzy extras from the grocery store.

denied.

I am typing this post with the laptop on the tips of my knees, and my arms stretched out completely straight. I went to give blood this afternoon, and there was a little incident. Now, I'm not squeamish at all about giving blood. I have no problem with needles or blood or any of that silliness. But today diminished my bravado just a little bit.

The technician sets up all the tubes and bags and such, swabs a good three-quarters of my entire arm in iodine, I squeeze a little foam toy to wake up my little girly veins, so far so good. But when she sticks the needle in my arm it hurts. A lot. To the point where I actually make a face.

I do not make faces. I do not grimace. I have balls of concrete dammit.

Then she makes a startled noise and I look down to see far too much blood pouring out of the hole in my arm, and not nearly enough going into the little baggie.

Apparently my vein collapsed when she stuck me.

After she cleaned me up and strapped an ice pack to my elbow, I offered her my other arm but by then my veins had gone into hiding like frightened rabbits. So, sadly, I wasn't able to make my contribution today. They did, however, give me fig newtons to soothe my sense of circulatory inadequacy, so it wasn't a total loss.

so far, so good.

I'm feeling it. That I'm-in-the-driver's-seat feeling.

I am Alexander Haig and I AM IN CHARGE HERE (that one's for you, adam).

It feels good.

I faced down mall food courts, Ikea meatballs, chocolate cookies with hazelnut filling, and a sushi menu yesterday, and I came out on top.

Temptation, you are no match for The Bird!

I feel like I should start tossing folding chairs (that one's for you, too, baby).

chugga chugga chugga...

I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this.

i will not miss working nights, however.

I'm settling in for my last night in the college library where I've been working the past couple of years. Classes end today so there isn't a soul around, and I predict a very quiet evening, just the way I like it. I'm so grateful to have found this job when I did -- it fit perfectly into my life and gave me a lot of valuable experience. My boss has been wonderful, and I'm hoping that she'll still want to be my friend even when I don't work for her... I mean, I still want to be her friend even though she's not going to keep paying me...

I've been pretty good at keeping new-job anxiety at bay so far. It's my nature to worry, without pause, up until a new job starts. On the bright side, I've historically fretted so viscerally and so imaginatively, I probably burned quite a few calories in the process. Maybe I'm becoming mellow in my old age, but this time around I'm taking my hands off the worry wheel and trying to focus on enjoying the calm and the quiet before the whirlwind of the new job begins.

I have two goals for the next two weeks: 1) Relax and 2) Take Control of That Which Is In My Power (i.e. healthy eating, getting paperwork squared away, cleaning my house, and tidying up my person in order to make a good impression).

And no, these two goals are not mutually exclusive. I find control exceptionally relaxing.

self coaching.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

don't we all want to be julia?

I'm back at home after a nice weekend out at the farm with the family. We celebrated Julia Child's belated birthday by enjoying several of her recipes from Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I contributed her Baked Cucumbers with Dill. Imagine warm, buttery pickles... but good. Really, they were quite tasty! I'm fairly sure I ingested a good stick of butter today, and a bit too much French wine. C'est la vie. Joyeux Anniversaire, Julia!

Tomorrow, it will be exactly two weeks until I start my new job, and it may be the kick in the pants I need to start walking the straight and narrow again. When I'm on track with my eating and my weight loss, those positive feelings and confidence spread into the other areas of my life. I feel, dare I say, empowered. And I know that when I start this new exciting, challenging (scary) job, I'm going to need to feel like my best, most powerful self. And a couple weeks of getting my diet under control is an excellent way for me to reintroduce myself to my inner rock star.

u-turn?

So, after that self-flagellation yesterday, I actually stayed on plan. This morning I faced my fear and stepped on the scale, and it wasn't nearly as scary as I expected (isn't that always the way?). Forcing my eyes open and looking down at the numbers on the scale is one of the ways that I prevent all hell from breaking loose. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to my weight, because when I shut my eyes to the consequences of my actions, those consequences seem monstrous in my head. And that makes me feel that the war has been lost, so why bother fighting the small battles. But now that I've recognized that I haven't actually gained twenty pounds in the last week, I feel motivated to fight on.

why am i spinning my wheels?

I've been asking myself that question for some time now.

I can't seem to get a toe hold when it comes to losing weight these days. I'll have a good day here and there, but the bad days are starting to outnumber the good ones, and it's leaving me feeling craptastic and really annoyed with myself. It would be one thing if it were a lack of knowledge about HOW to do this, but I know HOW, and I know I have the capacity to lose weight.

What I'm missing is determination and discipline.

I know what my keys to weight loss are. It's not rocket science.

1. stock my kitchen with healthy non-trigger foods
2. consistently track my eating
3. drink water throughout the day
4. put the booze cruise in dry dock
5. and take the initiative to move just a little bit more

But I just can't seem to convince myself to do it these days.

I have no excuse. Yeah, sure I'm going through some big life transitions right now, and they make me nervous, so I seek comfort in food...blah blah, blah... I bore myself with that excuse, and I don't really buy it anyway. When I lost weight the first time, things weren't all sunshine and puppies. In fact, my life was much, much worse. Things are in a real upswing right now, and a few little nagging nerves shouldn't hold me back from doing what I know I need to do to reach the level of health and satisfaction with my body that I want to attain.

I wish I could kick my own ass into gear.

they like me, they really like me!

I GOT THE JOB!!!!

YES, YES, YES!!!

Good god, income! Honest to goodness income!! I don't even remember what it feels like to have normal grown-up income.

OK, and here is the weight loss-related aspect to getting this job. There's a fitness center in the building. Wait, it doesn't stop there. There's a freaking-fracking free LAUNDRY SERVICE at the gym. No toting sweaty clothes back and forth. How crazy is that?

I'm still in a bit of shock.

I've got a few weeks to get myself ready for this life change, say goodbye to my old part-time jobs, do all the errands and annoying crap that are so much easier to do on weekday afternoons, amass a new work wardrobe as my roughed up jeans and flip flops are really not going to cut it, and generally enjoy the end of the summer.

skunked.

Have you even been woken up by a smell?

In the middle of the night I started gagging on the strongest skunk smell I've ever experienced. It was disgusting. I lay there hoping it would pass, but it was like an evil spirit had taken up residence in my bedroom. I finally peeled myself off the mattress and shut my window. Then it was stuck in my room. And it got hot. So I turned on the a/c. Nothing seemed to disperse it. I finally fell back asleep, but when I woke up this morning, groggy and cranky, I could still feel it lingering in my nostrils.

Suffice it to say, my day is not getting off to a joyous start.

On the weight loss front, I'm back to my old self-destructive patterns of a couple good days followed by a couple bad days... i.e. holding steady but not making progress. Not as awful as a full on downward spiral, but aggravating nonetheless.

On the job front, I'm feeling cautiously hopeful about Job B. I had the last round of interviews for it yesterday, and they implied that things look very good for me. I should be hearing from them this coming week.

So, now I am all tingly and nervous and can't think about anything else.

I'm heading home to the farm this weekend -- we're going to plan out our Julia Child Birthday Extravaganza!

window shopping is my cardio.

I had another good day... that's a 2-day streak, people! Now we're really cooking...

*Made a big jug of iced green tea with a leftover bunch of fresh mint... tasty and hydrating and metabolism-charging.

*Got lots of walking in at Ikea. Didn't buy anything -- I had a list of things my house could use (with measurements and everything!), but I just couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger on anything. I realized that I'm in more of a purging mood today, than an acquiring one. Oh, and I'm still feeling "eh" on a a lot of their merchandise...

*Packed my lunch and some snacks for the Ikea run so I wouldn't cave to the siren song of the Swedish meatballs.

*Tracked my food, and dinner tonight will bring me in right around 1200 calories.

distraction.

I became distracted yesterday with a home improvement project, and didn't do a daily recap post. My distraction, however, also meant that I didn't think about food all day. I didn't boredom snack. And I lifted and heaved and squatted and pushed heavy things. And my body feels wonderfully used today.

My weight is on the decline. I shall be holding my breath and hoping it continues.

Update on the job saga:

Job A didn't come through BUT the director wrote me the absolute nicest rejection letter I've ever received. She asked to show my resume around, offered to be a reference, and I think she sincerely would like to hire me in the future. I've never felt so good about a job I didn't get.

I'm going in for round three of interviews for Job B. Man, I hope the hoops are worth it.

because food isn't the enemy.

My weekend ended a little late...as in, yesterday.

Monday was spent with my parents and aunt and uncle, lolling about and enjoying the sunshine. A blind eye was turned to what I was eating and drinking that day. We made plans to celebrate Julia Child's birthday in a couple weeks by gathering together, and cooking an array of her dishes. I'm not going to worry about food that day either.

Yesterday, the boyfriend came over for dinner and I was feeling rather... Greek. I marinated chicken in yogurt, mint, garlic, oregano and red pepper. Then I chopped up cucumbers into matchsticks and mixed in yogurt, fresh mint and a pinch of cumin. We ate it all with warmed pita and a chilly bottle of white wine.

Here was the real star of the night.


Plum clafouti. Even when I feel Greek, there's still an undercurrent of French.

Notice the geese giving it the glad eye.

It was worth every custardy calorie. I took enjoyment in making it, and in eating it.

I think it's important to remember to not vilify food. I didn't get fat eating food like this. I got fat eating a bag of crackers with butter at 11:30 in front of the TV. Or four hot dogs for lunch instead of one. I want to lose weight, but I don't want to eliminate cooking and eating as sources of real joy in my life.

But we all know it's not that simple. I have yet to find the balance and the inner strength to keep half a clafouti in my fridge and enjoy it in small sensible portions throughout the week (I sent that puppy home with the boyfriend last night... I'm no fool).

Workhorse, simple healthy food has a big place in my life. It's my day-to-day. It's my structure. And I get a different kind of enjoyment from it -- a pleasurable feeling of control.

It's time for me to go cook up a little control.

wedding weekend.

The wedding was awesome. So much fun to be with family and new friends, hacking at a roast pig and drinking wine and being drunkenly embraced by my cousin (pseudo-brother) who apologized for being an annoying 13-year-old, and promised to make it up to me by lifting heavy things whenever I asked. I snuck sugar cubes to the little ones to bribe their affections. I poured champagne and ate raspberry buttercream cupcakes.

So I'm not regretful that I let go and partied to the full extent of my ability.

Of course, I am now back where I started in the weight department.

It happens.

Time to climb back on the wagon.

woops.

I skipped the daily recap yesterday, didn't I? Totally slipped my mind. So here's a brief remembrance:

*15 minutes on the elliptical (I'm getting really bored with this thing... might need to start branching out)

*200 sit ups and a few squats while holding weights (skipped arm work b/c my part-time job involves pushing and pulling rolling stacks around, and I need all the upper body strength I can muster)

*Still drying out successfully.

*Tracked food and stayed on track EVEN THROUGH THE EVENING! Yes! I went to bed a bit peckish, but nothing serious. It felt good to wake up this morning and not feel regret.

I'm off to my parents' farm this morning for my cousin's wedding. We're roasting a whole pig on a spit -- it's going to be awesome. I will do my best to not go hogwild (hehe...). I'm also going to try to pick up a good lap-swimming bathing suit on the way home so that I can get some swimming in if I decide to stick around and spend some time with the family.