why am i spinning my wheels?

I've been asking myself that question for some time now.

I can't seem to get a toe hold when it comes to losing weight these days. I'll have a good day here and there, but the bad days are starting to outnumber the good ones, and it's leaving me feeling craptastic and really annoyed with myself. It would be one thing if it were a lack of knowledge about HOW to do this, but I know HOW, and I know I have the capacity to lose weight.

What I'm missing is determination and discipline.

I know what my keys to weight loss are. It's not rocket science.

1. stock my kitchen with healthy non-trigger foods
2. consistently track my eating
3. drink water throughout the day
4. put the booze cruise in dry dock
5. and take the initiative to move just a little bit more

But I just can't seem to convince myself to do it these days.

I have no excuse. Yeah, sure I'm going through some big life transitions right now, and they make me nervous, so I seek comfort in food...blah blah, blah... I bore myself with that excuse, and I don't really buy it anyway. When I lost weight the first time, things weren't all sunshine and puppies. In fact, my life was much, much worse. Things are in a real upswing right now, and a few little nagging nerves shouldn't hold me back from doing what I know I need to do to reach the level of health and satisfaction with my body that I want to attain.

I wish I could kick my own ass into gear.

skunked.

Have you even been woken up by a smell?

In the middle of the night I started gagging on the strongest skunk smell I've ever experienced. It was disgusting. I lay there hoping it would pass, but it was like an evil spirit had taken up residence in my bedroom. I finally peeled myself off the mattress and shut my window. Then it was stuck in my room. And it got hot. So I turned on the a/c. Nothing seemed to disperse it. I finally fell back asleep, but when I woke up this morning, groggy and cranky, I could still feel it lingering in my nostrils.

Suffice it to say, my day is not getting off to a joyous start.

On the weight loss front, I'm back to my old self-destructive patterns of a couple good days followed by a couple bad days... i.e. holding steady but not making progress. Not as awful as a full on downward spiral, but aggravating nonetheless.

On the job front, I'm feeling cautiously hopeful about Job B. I had the last round of interviews for it yesterday, and they implied that things look very good for me. I should be hearing from them this coming week.

So, now I am all tingly and nervous and can't think about anything else.

I'm heading home to the farm this weekend -- we're going to plan out our Julia Child Birthday Extravaganza!

wedding weekend.

The wedding was awesome. So much fun to be with family and new friends, hacking at a roast pig and drinking wine and being drunkenly embraced by my cousin (pseudo-brother) who apologized for being an annoying 13-year-old, and promised to make it up to me by lifting heavy things whenever I asked. I snuck sugar cubes to the little ones to bribe their affections. I poured champagne and ate raspberry buttercream cupcakes.

So I'm not regretful that I let go and partied to the full extent of my ability.

Of course, I am now back where I started in the weight department.

It happens.

Time to climb back on the wagon.

ahem... the peanut butter won.

OK, I'm just not buying peanut butter anymore.

There are certain foods that I don't have very good self control around, and they're not what you would expect. Triscuits is a good example -- unless I am functioning at 100% willpower levels, I cannot be trusted with a box of Triscuits. I slather Smart Balance on them and go to town.

Is it the same as eating a box of doughnuts? No, but it completely throws off my calories for the day, and it's a surrender to mindless eating.

So yes, peanut butter is now on the hit list.

I woke up thinking that if I fell asleep at 8pm every night I'd be a size 2 -- all my diet sabotage happens in the wee hours. Where does my will power go after 9pm? Do I have to somehow lock my kitchen at night? Or maybe I just need to suck it up and remember that when I lost weight the first time I was occasionally hungry at night and that was that. I felt the hunger and I went to sleep. I need to get back on my game.

everything's coming up millhouse!

OK, before I get to the potential excitement, I have a confession.

Last night the nerves finally got to me and around 10:30pm I threw in the towel and took refuge in the bottom of a jar of peanut butter.

I am not proud.

I am also not going to dwell. Today is a new day and the elliptical is staring at me with defiance in its digital eyes. That thing's about to get schooled.

Anyway, still no word on Job A. BUT my interview for Job B this morning could not have gone better, and I reeeeeally want it! I hope I'm not completely jinxing myself, but I just can't help it. The people I'd be working with are extremely nice, the company is one I could feel proud to work for, the job seems challenging (and one of my potential co-workers said that the boss pretty much lets you define within reason the projects you want to take on), the boss seems absolutely lovely, and the money is nothing to sneeze at. I felt like I had instant rapport with everyone, and I'm hoping that my awesomeness will win them over. This job would definitely be stretching for me in terms of a learning curve, but I'm trying to be confident (sometimes I find it easier to convince other people of my capabilities than to convince myself).

OK, I need to burn off this nervous energy (and all that peanut butter).